All-Night News Boy | Another Night at Lola

Elvis at Lola
Elvis at Lola

I could hear the music from two blocks away as I turned the corner on 23rd Street at midnight last Tuesday heading for Lola Bar. DJ SmeeJay was in rare form, just finishing up the Bay City Rollers’ “Saturday Night” and launching into Edie Adam’s 1959 classic “Hey Big Spender.”

As I walked in the front door, the kid from MTV’s “Jackass” was just downing a shot of tequila, snorting the salt, and squeezing the lemon into his left eye. Not wanting to wait around another ten seconds to see him staple a twenty dollar bill to his face, I started making my way past Lola’s typically bohemian Tuesday night crowd of artists in black turtle-necks, beach-girl models in bomber jackets and Ray-Bans, and groups of perfectly plasticized Gen-n girls, all partying the night away.

I’d only been in the place a few minutes when flashes of light began beaming up from across the room by the DJ booth. For one horrific moment I feared Lola had gone disco on me by adding a laser light show to their Philippe Stark-meets-Count Dracula interior. But no, it wasn’t a laser show I was seeing. Owner David Bick was plugging in one of those industrial lights he had clamped to the wall and was using it as a spotlight for the Elvis impersonator who had climbed up onto the bar, and was well into the first chorus of, not the usual “Viva Las Vegas/Hound Dog,” medley, but, of all things, Britney Spears’ “Woops, I did it Again.”  Seems that the pseudo-Elvis wasn’t a real big fan of Britney’s, so he was having to do the song while holding the mike in one hand and a piece of paper in the other, upon which someone had scribbled the words to the song for him. The whole show was rolling along quite nicely until one of the Gen-n girls ran up in front of the King, hiked up her top and flashed the Big E with what I would estimate to be a pair of museum quality 34d’s. Elvis lost his place, motioned to SmeeJay “cut it,” and the whole crowd went berserk with applause and laughter.

Yep, just another night at Lola.

Slurp! at the Albion

As most locals have figured out, Monday nights are always reserved for a ritualistic little soirée down at Crobar known as Back Door Bamby. Although usually held in Crobar’s upper VIP area, darling Bamby sometimes just can’t seem to control her dominatrix persuasions and takes over the entire club, with the help of such notable talent as Junior Vasquez, Little Louie Vega and Luis “Long Juan” Diaz.

The master-minds behind this, the longest running, and arguably, most successful club party on South Beach, are Mykel Stevens and Carmel Ophir. So, when word leaked out that the boys were doing-up a little Wednesday night shindig, this time at the Albion Hotel’s Beauty Bar, I just had to give it a shot. And it turned out to be an interesting evening. Very interesting, indeed.

Now, keep in mind that I’m basically just the camera guy. I do all the photography for the web site, including a nightclub paparazzi section called “Pop Shots from the America Riviera,” which turns out to be one of the most fun jobs in the world. And the drill is always the same ?I pick out the most interesting/best looking/wildest acting people I can find ?they say cheese, and I shoot their picture. The last step in the process is when they write down their names in my note pad so I can match a name with a face the next day. Since people in darkened nightclubs holding a pen in one hand and a Cosmo in the other don’t always exhibit the best penmanship in the world, I always check their work for readability right after they write down their names, that way, the next day I won’t be faced with trying to decipher a bunch of incoherent, Martini-soaked scribbling.

Slurp! at the Beauty Bar
Slurp! at the Beauty Bar

So, last Wednesday night at Slurp!, after hanging with Mykel Stevens and Keri for a while, I went back to work with my camera and took this one photo of three people at the bar, one of whom was a very attractive 28 year old girl, who, right about now is back home in New York reading this article and grinning from ear to ear, praying that I don’t tell the world what she wrote in my note pad.

Sorry Gayle, I’m going to…

The note she wrote indicated her distinctly intense desire to meet another girl who would be interested in developing an intimate relationship on a greatly accelerated schedule ?like, that night. I guess she wanted to make her last night in town a big one.

Back Door Bamby's Adrian with Carmel Ophir
Back Door Bamby’s
Adrian with Carmel Ophir

The ensuing 45 minute conversation with Miss Hyperactive-Hormones about her affairs with other women yielded enough juicy details to fill a complete article, but just to give you a few of the highlights, it seems that a considerable number of her liaisons are with married girls who’ve never been exposed to yin/yin activity before, but who, as they put it “have always daydreamed about it.” She also reported that they’re usually quite good at it, too, and almost always reciprocate her every action, no matter how intimate.

I’ll leave her dissertation on specifically preferred techniques for another time, but rest assured that the All-Night News Boy departed Slurp! with his cheeks flushed; his horizons broadened; and a great idea for the tag-line in a new tourist ad campaign ?”Strap-on South Beach.”